So for the 2 days before you being the VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet) you are instructed to eat your little heart out. I didn't really plan on doing it. I thought to myself that I didn't want to gain even more weight to try to burn off. But then I went out. I met up with some friends to play Laser Tag and it was SO much fun! OH MY! What a blast! And a pretty cool workout in the process too!

When we finished we decided to hit up Denny's next door so I decided to just give in and indulge. I had a Mushroom Swiss Burger and Fries. Afterward I went and got some Frozen Yogurt with all the yummy toppings I never let myself have normally. I am beyond stuffed and I'm honestly not very happy about it. I mean, it's OK, but I don't look forward to the scale tomorrow.

I was going to blog right before I left to go out cause Latoya said it's important to put my feelings out on paper (even if it's virtual paper). I have to admit, before actually getting to Laser Tag I was completely dreading it. I was looking for all sorts of excuses to go home as early as possible. Why? Cause I'm not comfortable in my own skin. How messed up is that?! Either way, I did go and I'm really glad I did.

With that being said, I didn't make it to the grocery store before I came home. In a few minutes I'm gonna have to head to the store so that I am prepared for Day 1 tomorrow.

Yikes.  I have barely been mobile today and had to deal with 2 different issues that I wasn't happy about.

The first was the scale.  I decided to take the plunge and hop on today to see where we are at.  It's 162.2.  I'm clinically obese since I'm only 4'11.  Nice. Well I knew that was the approximate number so I can't say I was shocked.  I can't dwell on it.  I just have to jump head first into this plan so that I can see results and get back to that number in the 120's.  It's going to be hard work but I am hoping that seeing some quick results will help me with motivation to keep it going.

The second demon today was the trip to GNC to pick up the HCG.  It's weird how walking into a store to buy weight loss supplements can be so daunting.  I decided to do my best and hold my head high as I asked for the product from the clerk.  The clerk tells me that the particular GNC store I work at is privately owned and the owner (who is standing behind him) doesn't support the product so they don't sell it.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Just my luck.  As I was about to walk out and go to the next GNC instead the owner decides to stop me and preach to me about how much he hates the product and that it's not modeled the same way as the doctor administered program due to the very low calorie specifications.  If I hadn't done all the research on my own of the doctor program here I would have possibly believed him HOWEVER I did!  I know that the 500 calorie diet is actually a part of the $1500 program as well.  I understand that he has the right to sell whichever products that he wants to support but I don't think I deserve to be lectured about the products I want to purchase when I am not asking for his opinion.

Anyway, I went to the next GNC down the street and that clerk was VERY encouraging and didn't make me feel like a freak at all.  He seemed very knowledgeable about the program as a whole and offered some great supplement options to help as you go.  He was very enthusiastic as well which helped improve my mood.
 

I have hit my all-time high weight. I can't even force myself to get on the scale at the moment to actually see the full number staring back at me. I know that quick-fixes don't work and I need to work on some major life changes.

If I look at the last 18 months I can pinpoint some of the emotional blunders that have helped contribute to my weight. OK, some of the emotional baggage occurred before the 18 months; new job, constantly changing schedule, no sleep, high stress, my relationship with Ryan, and ultimately my miscarriage. Whew. That was all BEFORE I lost control of my eating completely.

So now it's time to start letting go of the more recent baggage that started with the horrible letter from (Lil) Dave. It's crazy for me to look back at all the stress (both good and bad) that came with the price of having a relationship with him. During the good times, it seemed so worth it. It always does right? But that final straw, the final closure letter that he wrote (more to prove something to Sandra then to actually finalize anything to me) still affects me more then I thought one sentence ever could. In the whole span of our relationship I had fluctuated between 3-5lbs up or down. With that being said, I found it shocking that he listed my "apathy for weight loss" as one of the main reasons he chose not to be with me any longer. I was OK with the idea that we just weren't meant to be. I have no delusions that everyone has to love me. I can handle a breakup and find peace of mind in any other normal circumstances but for some reason this particular sentence has sent me into a tailspin that I can't seem to pull out of.

Shortly after that breakup my father was hospitalized and had to have a triple bypass surgery. He is extremely obese and he had major complication after major complication. We nearly lost him several times. He was hospitalized for 6 weeks and I was by his side every moment that I wasn't at work. This helped fuel my poor eating habits since I strictly ate fast food on the run. It was my way to cope. I had to be the strong person in the family and keep a guard up so food became my outlet.

As soon as my father was finally released from the hospital and starting to function on his own I went back into the academy and back to stress stress stress. Not to mention that my schedule went back to changing every 4-weeks and sleeping was impossible without some sort of supplement. Have a bad training day? You deserve unhealthy foods!

Well, I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to face anyone anymore. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin that I don't want to go out. I don't want to spend time with friends. I don't want to date. I can't fit in my clothes.

The horrible breakup and my father's illness should have both been things that fuel me to become the healthiest "me".

I am tired of feeling this way. I realized that I have a binge eating addiction and it has to stop. I can't continue to live like this cause ultimately I'm not "living" at all.